There has never been a proverb as guilt-inducing for moms as this one. Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6.

Most of understand this verse to mean if we take our kids to church and teach them about Jesus, they will grow up to be a fine Christian forever.

But what about when it doesn’t work? We can all think of kids that have grown up in our church and are not following the Lord at all. What happened? How can we understand the truth of this verse?

What Does “the Way” Mean?

This verse is particularly difficult because some of the terms are misunderstood. Because of John 14:6 (Jesus said I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life…) our minds automatically understand “the way he should go” to mean Jesus and the gospel. God’s ways and God’s laws. However, according to Dr. Kaiser, author of Hard Sayings of the Old Testament, the Hebrew words actually mean according to his way as in the child’s way.

In other words, train your child appropriately for his age, his personality, and his learning style. If you teach your child with these elements in mind, the lesson they learn will stick with them. They will not depart from it.

For example, my oldest learned his alphabet quickly. I told him this was a letter A, he repeated it once, and he got it. But with my second born, this method was not working. Although she is bright, she could not retain the name of the letter by just repeating it to me. I remember one particularly frustrating day when I was using only two flashcards over and over again and she was still not getting it. I needed a different approach. I noticed she was a hands-on kids who always wanted to touch things and manipulate things. So I stopped using the flashcards. We built the letter Q out of Q-tips. We sewed a card with ribbon for the letter R. We traced S in the sandbox. Finally she began to remember the names of the letters! All because I was training her in the way or approach that she learned best.

The Spiritual Teaching of Children

There are plenty of other verses in the Bible that instruct moms to teach our children about the Lord. Deuteronomy 6 tells us to impress God’s commandments on our children. Ephesians 6:4 tells us to bring children up in the discipline of the Lord.

But Proverbs 22:6 is not talking about spiritual training.

This needs to spelled out because too often, when our children are not following the Lord whether they be a difficult toddler, a rebellious teen, or a wayward adult child, we are tempted to think, I must have failed in training them up in the Lord or else they wouldn’t be departing from it.

If only I had done family devotions five nights a week instead of only three nights a week then all of this disobedience from my child would not be happening.

The truth is if we obey the Lord by teaching our children about the Lord, we need to leave the results of that obedience up to God. It’s up to your child to follow the Lord. God does not hold you guilty for the actions of your child.

I love how Dr. Charles Stanley put it. Obey God and leave all the consequences to Him.

Prayers for Wayward Children

If you have a wayward child, instead of asking the Lord, what did I do wrong? ask the Lord, is there something you want me to do now? Sometimes the answer will be no. God is using other people to reach him or her. Or perhaps the child just needs time on his or her own to respond to God’s calling. But still keep praying. When the answer is yes, God needs you to do something, you will be ready in the moment to obey the Lord, not out of guilt, and not in your own strength, but out of daily dependence and obedience on Him.

To Learn More

• Watch Dr. Charles Stanley’s full sermon on obeying God
• More on Proverbs: finding Jesus in the book of Proverbs